On the Verge

Yesterday, we went to a Memorial Day Picnic.  I felt so lousy, I shouldn't have gone.  But I am tired of just staying in bed for my life.  So, instead of staying in bed where I really belonged, I went and talked to only the people that happened to sit by me.  I'm sure everyone thought I was grouchy and rude, but I could not do more.  I could barely do that.  I left early with a friend who took me home to enjoy the comfort of my bed.  That was, sadly, the best part of the day.  Crawling into my comfortable, quiet bed.  So, anyway, enough complaining...

When the girls got home from the picnic, Snow White and Sleeping Beauty came to lay by me and talk.  Sleeping Beauty said, "Mom, was it even worth it for you to go to the Mayo Clinic?  It seems like you are still the same."

Sad.  "Well," I said, "it was good for me to go because I learned that it is not some infection or other disease causing the headaches.  I don't need to spend energy and money visiting a lot of doctors to try to figure treatments out.  And, they gave me some ideas of medicines to take that could eventually help me.  It may take a while, but I could find something to help.  I'm still glad I went.

"Yeah, but it really sucks that you still feel bad," said Snow White, "It just makes it seem like it was a waste."

And then we were quiet for a few seconds wherein I feel a little sorry for myself and a lot sorry for these sweet girls who have a mom who feels lousy most of the time.  And I try to remind myself to not feel guilty for everything.  For feeling lousy.  For all the work King does.  For not being the mom I wish I could be.  For spending my (and my friend's) money to go to Mayo, and still feeling the same.  For really, truly dreading a summer vacation because I know I won't feel good and I don't want to be a downer to all of the family and friends I never see, who aren't used to my "new" life.  All real feelings, but all that I have no need to feel guilty about.  It's just life, and it's not my fault.  And then Snow White breaks the silence...

"Mom, you know what is really, really going to stink when I am older and I have kids?"

"Hmmm, what?"  I say.  And I am thinking, "She thinks I am going to be a lousy Grandma because I am going to be in bed half the time, or maybe she thinks I am so sick I am dying.  That I won't be around when she has little ones.  Stab me in the heart."

And she answers, "Well, by the time I have little kids, it is going to be just bad.  And I will be so sad for them because they will probably never, ever be able to see a giant panda or polar bear in captivity.  Like at the zoo.  Because they are both on the verge of extinction.  Right on the verge.  It makes me feel so sad for future kids. That's not something you should have to miss seeing."

I just had to laugh.  I couldn't help it.  What am I so worried about myself for?  I mean, these animals are on the verge of extinction.  Extinction, I tell you!!!!   :)