Dear Common Cold

Dear Common Cold,

I know that you are not really that harmful. You are not necessarily that dangerous. But you are really very, very annoying, and I am sorry to say, I don't like you at all. I usually don't use such harsh words, but you just won't leave our family alone. Can't you just go bug someone else? You, with your sniffling, and dripping, and stuff-headed dreariness, have hung out and traveled from one member of our family to another for too long. It is time to stop.

We have a birthday and a party this week, so it would be helpful to have all the used tissues that inevitably creep into the corners of the house long gone before then. (Supposedly, they belong to no one who lives in this house, so I can only assume that you bring them with you. Stop it. They're disgusting.) If you would have just shared your infectiousness with everyone at once, we would have been finished a week ago. But, no. You insist on lounging about in one body for days before you pounce on your next victim unexpectedly. In the middle of the night. When we've already used the entire bottle of Sudafed. It's rude.

I am writing to request that you leave now. Gather up your tissues and your excretions and don't come back. We don't need you. We don't want you. We don't ever want to see you again. Please don't come back. And please tell your friends Influenza and Strep Throat we have no use for them either.

Thank You,

The Queen of This Tiny, Tired Kingdom