Hope

So, many have asked if the two week "stop the headache cycle" worked and how my new maintenance medicine is working. (Thanks for caring, and if you don't, skip this post.) I think it's all in how you define "worked". While I was on the dizzy-headed, blurry-eyed, comatose-inducing two weeks of medicine, I did enjoy less days of horrible headaches. That was good. But, twelve hours after ending this cycle, a headache set in and has never really gone away. I think, maybe, that they have been slightly less severe than the weeks before the two week course, but, also, a great side effect I'm dealing with is not being able to sleep. It's not helping the headaches any, or making me very happy. And, if the girls ever find out what happened in the middle of the night last night, they won't be happy either.

I was up from 1:15 to 4:45 last night. I finally got out of bed around two to read and get a drink. When I went into the kitchen, the dishwasher was open and I thought, "Crap! We didn't run the dishwasher. Ugh! Why am I awake doing dishes at two in the morning?!?! This sucks." "Goodness me! How lucky I got up and saw we forgot to run the dishwasher so I could start it and we could have clean dishes!" and I began loading the few dirty cups and silverware into the dishwasher, in the light from the lamp in the next room. Just as I was about to put the soap in, I realized that the dishes in the dishwasher were already clean. Oops! I took out the dishes that I remembered putting in, but it was two in the morning, and sort of dark. So, don't accept a drink from any cup at my house in the next day or two. None of us are sick right now, so hopefully no one will die if they accidentally drink from a soiled cup. But, just in case someone finds out they drank from their sister's dirty cup, and does go ahead and kill over with the injustice of it all, this here is my confession and plea of insanity.

So, about the medicine I'm on now. I'm experimenting with taking it at different times of day to see if I can find a time that lets me sleep more than four hours a night. If not, it's back to the old drawing board. I think it goes without saying that this is frustrating and painful, and I'm worn out. The good news is now that I'm off of the two week stuff, I do have more energy. Despite being in excruciating pain at times, I have had times when I have been able to do things that haven't been done by me for a while, like mop my floor and do the dishes (even the right way a couple of times.) It is nice to check off some of the little boxes on the list in my head of what I'd like to be able to do during the day. If only I could check off the 'sleep all night' box, I think I'd be a bit more ahead in the game. So, you see, it all depends on how you define "working."

I cannot tell you how many times in the last week that I have been repeating these wise words of President Deiter F. Uchtdorf:

"And to all who suffer—to all who feel discouraged, worried, or lonely—I say with love and deep concern for you, never give in."

"Never surrender.

Never allow despair to overcome your spirit.

Embrace and rely upon the Hope of Israel, for the love of the Son of God pierces all darkness, softens all sorrow, and gladdens every heart."

"Never surrender...never surrender..." has been my mantra these last few days. I can tell you, though, how true President Uchtdorf's words are. The Hope of Israel is there. His atonement is real. I am never alone. I am constantly held up and strengthened by the presence of a loving Heavenly Father who knows me and loves me. The hope of Christ, my hope in Christ, surpasses all worldly understanding and carries me through all circumstances in my life. I love the way President Uchdorf explains it: (Really, the whole talk is excellent, you can find it here: The Infinite Power of Hope)

"No matter how bleak the chapter of our lives may look today, because of the life and sacrifice of Jesus Christ, we may hope and be assured that the ending of the book of our lives will exceed our grandest expectations. "Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him."²⁶

"This type of hope in God, His goodness, and His power refreshes us with courage during difficult challenges and gives strength to those who feel threatened by enclosing walls of fear, doubt, and despair."

"Hope sustains us through despair. Hope teaches that there is reason to rejoice even when all seems dark around us."

There is always reason to rejoice, dirty cups and all. Even if I have a headache every day for the rest of my life, I will rejoice. Christ lived and died for us. We can know the hope His atonement gives if we turn to Him in all things. The things we plan for and want, and the things that we experience that we didn't know we could do. For as it says in Alma 26: 12: "Yea, I know that I am ^anothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will ^bnot boast of myself, but I will ^cboast of my God, for in his ^dstrength I can do all ^ethings;"

we can do anything if we allow God to be our strength and our hope. I rejoice in that strength and the blessings that I receive through knowing and living the Gospel of Jesus Christ. The blessings are eternal, and the reasons to rejoice are infinite.