Shopping Rules

It has come to my attention that buying clothing without your 11-year-old daughter present will render said clothing useless and extremely ugly. So, in order for you to not be stuck with clothing that you do not need and cannot possibly use, or to help you avoid returning everything you bought at 30 percent or more off, I will share with you the rules of shopping for a pre-teen.

1. Do not fool yourself into thinking that what you think looks exactly like the pants she picked out 15 hours earlier (and loved) will look the same to her.

2. Do not assume that since she liked one black built-in-bra tank top that she will like another that is two dollars cheaper and looks almost identical. It's not identical. Just get over it.

3. Do not in any way suggest that you think a shirt is cute. She doesn't want you to think it's cute. She wants all judgments of "cuteness" to come from within her knowledgeable, experienced self.

4. Don't buy gray pants. All of them are ugly. It doesn't matter that she has another pair she wears all the time, and cried when you told her they were now her sister's because they are four inches too short for her. This has nothing to do with the new pants.

5. Brown is now an ugly colored shirt. Even if it is $1.50 and she has one more exactly like it from last year,with a sweater to match that she wears and she loves. It is an ugly color and must not be worn.

6. Swimming suits are impossible to pick out on your own. Don't even go there.

7. And, by all means, don't think that you will get away with letting her sisters wear what she does not like just because they are great deals and super cute clothes. Nine is almost eleven, and at this age, they agree with pretty much everything she says (except that not all gray pants are ugly--just the ones you bought for under ten dollars and resemble the ones they own so closely that even old Sherlock Holmes may not be able to tell them apart.)

8. The best thing to do is to take your daughter with you, shut your mouth, and let her shop. Just look at all the trashy, really expensive things and tell her you think she would love them and you just might buy them for her. She'll object and turn to other racks that have cuter, less expensive things, but they will be gorgeous because SHE said they are.

If you follow these tips closely, you may actually find something that is on sale and acceptable. Don't get cocky and think you can get away with only following one or two of the rules. Those days are gone. Have another baby if you want to pick out your daughter's clothes from the clearance rack. It just won't work once they grow a mind of their own. Sorry.