It Had to be Done

*Male reader discretion is advised. Unless you enjoy shopping for bras and can relate. And if you do, please don't tell me--okay?*
Yesterday, I was called in to sub for a teacher at the girls' elementary school. When I got there, they said the "sub-getter lady"(they didn't call her that, they called her by her nice name) had messed up. I wasn't supposed to be there, but since I had done my hair, dressed in something other than jeans and a t-shirt, and actually shown up on time on a wintry morning, they were going to pay me anyway. Not so bad. I helped Snow White and Sleeping Beauty's teacher, which I would have happily done without getting paid, but I won't tell them that. Then I had the afternoon free.

I knew what I needed to do; I'd been pushing it to the bottom of my list for too long. I knew it was fate. I knew I was dressed and out the door on a morning when Kohls had 50% off deals for a reason. I must go buy that bra that I have needed for longer than I am willing to admit. Oh, the agony!!

Shopping for bras ranks up there on the 'list of horrible things to do' with things such as trying on swim wear, jean shopping, and pulling your nose hairs out. Not fun, but must be done. I decided to jump right in. I grabbed about twelve bras that I thought were my size to start my torture. It turns out that only two of them sort of fit--imagine that. But, they all had fabulous features that looked great.

There were things that made them each unique and quite desirable. One was "the softest bra ever" while another was "the bra with the softest touch". Another promised to "conceal in all the right places" which was in direct competition with the one that offered "full coverage with a sexy look." There were also many that promised "the perfect fit--guaranteed" (they didn't fit, by the way--do I sue, or just write a formal complaint? Will they give me my money back if I never actually bought them? I mean, it says guaranteed. Hmmm...) and several that would look "great under a t-shirt". (Which is good, because I usually don't wear them over my t-shirts. I'm not supposed to, am I?) One was designed to "minimize by at least 1.5 inches" (which I didn't really understand in my size, but anyway...) and another promised to "smooth out back fat." (Could they not think of anything else to call it? Back fat? That just sounds...gross. The feature did work, by the way. Not that I have back fat or anything. Because that would just be...um, gross.) I think I went back and forth from the dressing room at least three times and was in the store about an hour and a half. (Yes, this is one of the reasons I didn't ever have a bra that fit me well while I had three little girls at home. Can you imagine this with three grouchy onlookers? No thanks!)

In the end, I settled on something boring and reliable. Much like the rest of my wardrobe. It does have a fancy name to try to get it to seem like more than it really is: "the feeling sexy push-up". But I suppose if having the girls up where they belong, instead of in their post-nursing, hovering near your waist position is sexy, then the name fits. Or maybe I should wear the bra over the top of my t-shirt after all. That might be really sexy. Perhaps I've just been doing things wrong all along.